Sophie Louise

Back in my post about Mutual Care I mentioned a time that I mourned a baby named Sophie. I'm not sure I can put this into words but I'll try. Sophie never really existed. Really. But I mourned the loss of her as if she had. On a smaller scale so did Josh and Ellie and possibly a few friends and family members. How is that possible? To truely mourn someone that never existed?

Me 7 months pregnant
My sister Pamela 8 months pregnant

In my mind and in my heart and in my soul Sophie existed for 9 months. At 20 weeks gestation the sonographer told Josh, Ellie, and I that we were having a girl. I was elated. Two daughters = perfection! Matching outfits, matching jammies, Big Sister/Little Sister shirts, Quiet shy girl/Fiesty tough girl kid sister, Ellie and Sophie. That's the way it was to be. My family threw a small shower that included very small, very tiny, very adorable little dresses and...matching jammies for Ellie and Sophie. My mom knit Sophie a beautiful lavender blanket with a matching sweater and bonnet. Many times Ellie would lie on my belly and talk to Sophie, her little sister. One time she tried to put toys in through my belly button for Sophie to play with. That girl, little Sophie Louise, was loved. Her middle name was to be after her Grammie, Jean Louise and my Grandma, Moyne Louise. I loved that she would carry on the middle name of two women that I love and that would cherish her.

Ellie and Sophie's matching jammies

Her bag was packed with 2 cute little girlie outfits and her lavender blankie. We left the house around 2:00 in the morning on June 21st and met my precious friend and doula, Carol, at Penrose Hospital, in Colorado Springs. At 10:48 in the morning I pushed a beautiful healthy baby into this world. The first words I heard from my husband were, "Uhhhhh...It's a boy.?." and I think I said something like, "Shut up!" And then I looked at Carol who had tears in her eyes and a look of mixed emotion and disbelief on her face and all she could do was nod and look at me to see what my face was going to do next. I immediately was filled with disbelief, sadness, happiness, guilt (for the sadness), and the thought - what exactly am I supposed to feel at this very moment? I knew at that moment that I was supposed to feel happy and be grateful that my son was healthy and beautiful, but really I felt sad, and I felt guilty for feeling sad. I knew that Carol knew exactly what I was feeling. I knew that Josh knew I was disappointed. At the same time I felt like I had to supress those feelings of disappointment and sadness and only show how elated I was for this 8 pound 2 ounce beautiful, healthy, bald, baby boy I held in my arms.

It wasn't until I was home and Josh had gone to work and Brittney was at school and Ellie was at preschool that I sat nursing my sweet precious baby boy that I cried and cried and cried. Where was Sophie? She was here and then she wasn't? She was in me and then she wasn't. Why do I feel this way? She was never ever in me. I also felt guilty for not having a strong bond with this baby we had named Isaac. I did not feel that I had bonded with him while I carried him in my womb for 9 months. Everyone thought it was great that we had named him Isaac which means 'laughter'. I didn't think it was funny. I couldn't talk to anyone. How ridiculous was I to grieve over someone that never existed?

Isaac will be 5 years old in June. He brings me so much laughter. Isaac's love language is touch. He is my snuggler and loves to be held and cuddled and kissed-on and tickeled. He is very strong-willed and knows what he wants. He is bright and catches on to things so quickly. He loves to build things and figure out how things work. He is sensitive and kind and cares for others. I would not trade him for the world. He is perfect in every way and perfect for me and perfect for our family and is going to grow up to be something great I know it.

But I still wonder about Sophie and I still miss her and honestly sometimes I even cry when I think about her. And yes I still think it's ridiculous that I mourn over someone that never really existed. But to me she did.