Super-Human Grace

I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm worn down. I'm bushed, disheartened, dispirited, distressed, exasperated, weary, overburdened, annoyed, haggard, irritated, jaded, and spent. (Yeah I used a thesaurus but that does not negate how I feel!)

This was one day about a year ago when they were bored in their room.

Everyone needs two almost-5-year-old boys with nothing to do all day every day. 

I spend my days saying to myself, "WHY??". Why can't they learn? Why don't they listen? Why don't they obey? Why don't they desire to make better choices? WHY?

I have gone to bed every night for the last week trying to brainstorm how to make my days better, easier, more enjoyable while they are at home together all day every day for the next 90 days. I pray for wisdom and creativity and endurance and sweet words to flow from my mouth. I pray for new perspective and outlook. I read books about loving unconditionally and how to live life to the fullest right before I fall asleep. And approximately 10 minutes after I put my feet on the floor in the morning I am spewing and threatening and yelling and well,  feeling exasperated.

As I was cleaning this morning and had moved one unnamed 4-year-old-boy to 3 different time out locations, I thought, 'isn't that how our Father God feels about us'? Exasperated? Wondering every day: Why can't they learn? Why don't they listen? Why don't they obey? Why don't they desire to make better choices?

Fortunately for us He is God and He has infinite amounts of grace and even when exasperated He can still offer grace and love and give us another chance. I, however am human. A visual I have had lately is of God living in me and giving me power that I would not have otherwise. Almost like a super-hero. Visualize haggard mom with a big 'HS' for Holy Spirt on her shirt. The holy spirit is in me and can make me more like Jesus every minute of every day. He can give me the ability to love these boys well despite their sinfulness.

God give me the POWER to have your super human powered grace exude from my person every minute of every day!! Those boys need it. And Lord forgive me for every time I open my mouth and spew nastiness to these boys today. Amen.

Anyone have advice for structure, creativity, and large amounts of patience? Anyone else going through this yet or anticipating it as summer begins?

Sophie Louise

Back in my post about Mutual Care I mentioned a time that I mourned a baby named Sophie. I'm not sure I can put this into words but I'll try. Sophie never really existed. Really. But I mourned the loss of her as if she had. On a smaller scale so did Josh and Ellie and possibly a few friends and family members. How is that possible? To truely mourn someone that never existed?

Me 7 months pregnant
My sister Pamela 8 months pregnant

In my mind and in my heart and in my soul Sophie existed for 9 months. At 20 weeks gestation the sonographer told Josh, Ellie, and I that we were having a girl. I was elated. Two daughters = perfection! Matching outfits, matching jammies, Big Sister/Little Sister shirts, Quiet shy girl/Fiesty tough girl kid sister, Ellie and Sophie. That's the way it was to be. My family threw a small shower that included very small, very tiny, very adorable little dresses and...matching jammies for Ellie and Sophie. My mom knit Sophie a beautiful lavender blanket with a matching sweater and bonnet. Many times Ellie would lie on my belly and talk to Sophie, her little sister. One time she tried to put toys in through my belly button for Sophie to play with. That girl, little Sophie Louise, was loved. Her middle name was to be after her Grammie, Jean Louise and my Grandma, Moyne Louise. I loved that she would carry on the middle name of two women that I love and that would cherish her.

Ellie and Sophie's matching jammies

Her bag was packed with 2 cute little girlie outfits and her lavender blankie. We left the house around 2:00 in the morning on June 21st and met my precious friend and doula, Carol, at Penrose Hospital, in Colorado Springs. At 10:48 in the morning I pushed a beautiful healthy baby into this world. The first words I heard from my husband were, "Uhhhhh...It's a boy.?." and I think I said something like, "Shut up!" And then I looked at Carol who had tears in her eyes and a look of mixed emotion and disbelief on her face and all she could do was nod and look at me to see what my face was going to do next. I immediately was filled with disbelief, sadness, happiness, guilt (for the sadness), and the thought - what exactly am I supposed to feel at this very moment? I knew at that moment that I was supposed to feel happy and be grateful that my son was healthy and beautiful, but really I felt sad, and I felt guilty for feeling sad. I knew that Carol knew exactly what I was feeling. I knew that Josh knew I was disappointed. At the same time I felt like I had to supress those feelings of disappointment and sadness and only show how elated I was for this 8 pound 2 ounce beautiful, healthy, bald, baby boy I held in my arms.

It wasn't until I was home and Josh had gone to work and Brittney was at school and Ellie was at preschool that I sat nursing my sweet precious baby boy that I cried and cried and cried. Where was Sophie? She was here and then she wasn't? She was in me and then she wasn't. Why do I feel this way? She was never ever in me. I also felt guilty for not having a strong bond with this baby we had named Isaac. I did not feel that I had bonded with him while I carried him in my womb for 9 months. Everyone thought it was great that we had named him Isaac which means 'laughter'. I didn't think it was funny. I couldn't talk to anyone. How ridiculous was I to grieve over someone that never existed?

Isaac will be 5 years old in June. He brings me so much laughter. Isaac's love language is touch. He is my snuggler and loves to be held and cuddled and kissed-on and tickeled. He is very strong-willed and knows what he wants. He is bright and catches on to things so quickly. He loves to build things and figure out how things work. He is sensitive and kind and cares for others. I would not trade him for the world. He is perfect in every way and perfect for me and perfect for our family and is going to grow up to be something great I know it.

But I still wonder about Sophie and I still miss her and honestly sometimes I even cry when I think about her. And yes I still think it's ridiculous that I mourn over someone that never really existed. But to me she did.

Redeeming the Season

I am blessed with the fact that my husband is a bit of a freak about Christmas and that he is an amazing Christian man who desires to teach his children about the real meaning of Christmas and wants them to grow up with family traditions and great holiday memories. In order for you to understand what I mean about, "a bit of a freak", here are some examples: He has 15 hours of no-repeat Christmas music on his Zune. He bakes, cuts out, and frosts (with the children) approximately 8-10 batches of decorated sugar cookies during the month of December. He spends a day at the end of Novmeber decorating the entire house including bedrooms. He spends another day at the end of November putting lights on the outside of our house.

Okay, so you get the idea.

We have created some family traditions but this year I am yearning to create more. Our boys are four and are really into Santa and presents. I am not wanting to completely take away from that but feel the need for them to really know what God did for them, what that amazing, perfect gift that was given to them really means.

I am reading a book called, "Redeeming the Season". There are three areas that it talks about that you should focus on when creating those traditions. The first is, "Sanctify Your Family" and includes such things as a Momento Tree, Keepsake Christmas Cards, Family Nights, and shopping together. The second is, "Season Your Surroundings", and includes a kids Caroling Night, Treasuring Teachers, and giving gifts to people in retail stores. The third is, "Savor Your Savior". It gives ideas about Thank-You Jesus Cards, Attribute Ornaments, and Navity Central.

In this time of rest that our family is in we are very focused on good, quality, purposeful time together. So we are creating new ideas and using some of these to make the Christmas season meaningful to our family which includes a 7-year old and two 4-year olds.

Here are some ideas of how to make Christmas be about Christ when you have little ones at home:

• Do a little Christmas devotional or advent reading at dinner each night.
• Put on Christmas music that fills up the house.
• Act out the navity story with the little figurines from your manger scene.
• Act out the nativity story with the children as the actors.
• Watch the movie "The Nativity Story".
• Send a Christmas gift to a child in a third world country or to a friend that is a missionary a long ways from home this Christmas.
• Make a night out of shopping for each other - giving each child a bit of money to spend on each other.
• Make tree decorating a time to reflect on what Christ did for us as well as memories of Christmas's past.
• Organize Christmas caroling with a group of your kids and their friends.
• Send your child's teacher a Christmas survival kit at the beginning of December.
• Send notes to people you know who might love to have help-that your family would love to come help them with wrapping or cleaning or baking or shopping and schedule a time.
• Volunteer as a family at a soup kitchen or local food pantry.

I think the most important thing is whatever you do to help your family get it - to understand what a gift Jesus was to the world - you need to involve the whole family. Help them understand that because God gave us His son Jesus, we should show others his love through our gifts of time, talents, and treasures.

What do you do in your family to help your little ones "get it"?

Perspective

A Big Quiet House

A Yiddish Folktale from Eastern Europe

There was once a man who wished his small, noisy house was larger and quieter. He went to the wise old woman of the town and explained his need. She said, "I can solve your problem. Just do as I say."

The man agreed.

"If you have a chicken, some sheep, a horse, and a cow," she said, "bring them into the house with you."

"That's a silly thing to do," thought the old man. But he did it anyway. Now his house was already small, and with all those animals in it, there was no room at all. He returned to the old woman and cried, "I need more room! The animals are so noisy I can't think!"

"Take all those animals out of your dwelling," she replied.

When he had put all the animals comfortably back in the barn, the man went into his house. To his amazement, it suddenly looked remarkably bigger! Without the animals inside, his house was now quiet too!

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My life of late is so much like this story. (Except at times when they acted like it, I did not have animals in my house but children!) I have amazing perspective. On any given day this past summer the moment I put my feet on the floor I was MOMMY! I went. I did. I made it happen. There wasn't a whole lot of processing, reading, talking or even thinking going on in my life. I had 5 kids age 6 and under and a teen foster daughter that were my responsibility. What that means is not to simply care for them but to CARE for them. Because God gave me these children for an unknown amount of time. And in reality, that is true about my biological children too. I am their Mommy for today and until God has other plans for them. For these children I was the one who not only made sure they had on clean clothes and clean diapers and ate healthy meals and got to their numerous appointments on time but I was it. There was no one else to care if they got sick or a diaper rash or got hugged or told that they were worth something. It was up to me. Being a mommy to six children is tough but being mommy to 2 biological, 1 adopted, and 3 foster children is truely a whole different ball game. Two days a week during the summer months I worked a 7 hour day. Three days a week I took care of Anna's two angels who were ages 6 and 2. Several evenings and some weekend days I watched sweet little Jimmie - one of our previous foster girl's baby who was at the time 9 months old.

So I put my feet on the floor and I went. I did. I made it happen.

Then God said...

REST.

What?

REST.

But God, This is what YOU have called me to do. So clearly. So frequently I hear YOU say to me, "THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO. THIS." What are you talking about...Rest? What am I supposed to do now?

In August Julia turned 18 and was determined to be on her own after 17 years in and out of the foster care system. I was afraid for her but did not blame her. And God had told us that we would not adopt our babies. So what now? God brought them a wonderful family who wants to adopt them. So now I hear that You have a plan but how is it that after 9 years of doing what you want me to do, now I am supposed to rest? What does that look like? And when do I stop resting? And what about the kids that need me?

TRUST ME.

Really?

TRUST ME.

Okay.

So now I grow. I grow in Him every day like never before. Every day I see Him in everything. I see Him in the middle of my marriage. I see the miracles in that. I see Him in the middle of my Mommying. I see the miracles in that. I see Him pulling, pulling me out of the cave...and growing me like I never thought possible. I see.

This is what I see...

Miracles created in my family every day. And the perspective needed to truely rest and grow.

I trust therefore I rest. I rest therefore I grow. I grow therefore I trust.

Twenty Years From Now



Josh and I one week after we met.

Twenty years from now when you look back at your life what will you regret?

What will you feel guilty about?

Twenty years from now Ellie will be 27 and Isaac and Kenny will be 24 and who knows what my life with Josh will look like. But when I look back 20 years at the time when my kids were little, what will I regret about that time in my life?

Twenty years from now I will look back at when my kids were little and remember sitting in this stupid chair on this stupid laptop telling them I could not play Dominos or Memory with them right now. I will remember stress eating and not having the drive to get in shape so I could hike and climb with my husband. I will remember yelling at my kids when I am annoyed at them for taking away my time. What else will I regret? What else will I feel guilty about?

Twenty years from now I want to look back on my life and see myself playing Memory with Isaac and hiking with Josh and riding bikes with Kenny and playing doll house with Ellie. So change. Life is short. Really. Twenty years is going to go by fast. If that is what I'm going to regret then those are the important things that I need to change. I need to set aside computer time when the kids are sleeping, I need to make it a priority to get in shape and get outside with my family. I need to realize that twenty years from now I can have all the time that I want to sit on the computer and do the dishes and read and sit around.

Twenty years from now when you look back at your life when your kids were little or when your grandkids were young or when your kids were teens and still at home, what will you regret? What will you feel guilty about?...Then change it.

I am right there with you. Getting off my butt and loving my kids better...Leave a comment and let me know how doing life well is going for you!

<<<That's actually me.

Flashback Friday

I love this costume. I love these boys. So much of the time that my boys have been little I could not wait for them to grow up. Everyone says - enjoy it - they grow up so fast. Yeah yeah, not fast enough! School can't start soon enough. Bedtime can't come fast enough. These two boys have made me very tired and I have aged 15 years in the past 4. Now they are 4 1/2 and sometimes I want them to be 2 again. They start Kindergarten next year and I still want to hold them and feed them. It is true that life IS short and that time DOES fly. You have to admit, these two are cute!!

Lord help me to cherish every moment you have blessed me with and to really enjoy each of my blessings. They are truely precious gifts from you. Help me to remember that and never take them for granted.

Happy Halloween! Squeeze your little monsters!